Sunday, November 4, 2012

What exactly is dating?


Dating is a process of elimination. You could look up the definition in Webster’s dictionary but that would be too standard of an explanation for all that dating encompasses.  A person encounters many different people until they find someone to whom they are compatible. Hopefully, the feeling is mutual and those people become a couple.  Dating is just that simple. But when you add emotions, personalities, and an overwhelming ratio of women to men, dating then becomes complicated.  

In the summer of 2007, I started a blog about dating.  I was not so good at dating but I was determined to get it right.  It was never difficult to gain male attention but after I had it what was I to do.  My friends[1] and I sat around many a Saturday night drinking wine and discussing what was wrong with our dating lives.  We exchanged funny stories and laughed at our misadventures.  And after I gave it some thought, it seemed logical to share my stories with more than just my friends.  The next day, “Black Girls Don’t Date” was born.

In my young mind, dating was easy.  I have always subscribed to the philosophy that if I liked a guy, he liked me, we would spend time together, and thus we could date.  Maybe it’s because I started “dating” at an early age.  Even though I was a late bloomer (had my first kiss at 16), I had my first “boyfriend”[2] at the tender age of 9.  I was a little girl who never experienced the “icky boy” phase.  So anytime that I liked a boy, I made sure that he knew


[1] Tangela, Tamika, Synitta and I are Moscato lovers and had no luck in the dating arena. In an effort to maintain my friendship, I won’t tell their stories, but I will disclose the horror that is my love life.
[2] My first boyfriend was a neighborhood boy named “Heavy”.  He was 13 years old when he approached me about being his girlfriend.  It was supposed to be a secret, but I couldn’t hold water and I had to tell my friends.  He was the closest thing to LL Cool J that Gracetown had seen.


 
that I liked him. My openness about how I felt made it easier for guys to approach me, but it also allowed me to get my feelings hurt more often too.   

By the time I was 13 yrs old, I was hitting the teen club[1] every weekend and phone dating. Phone dating consisted of me monopolizing the phone in my house to talk to some boy on the other side of town that I had never met.  Most of the time it was a little brother of an older family friend[2] or the buddy of my girl friend’s phone boyfriend[3].  I was enamored by their voices and knew that I had this dating thing locked down.

Unfortunately, during my most formative years (6-13 yrs old), there was no man in my household.  And because I was a “fast ass” growing up, I always sought out male attention. My mother taught me about being my own woman, being strong, and independent, but never what to expect when I started dating.  So I constantly had a new boy at school or in the neighborhood that I was enamored with.  My mother always said, "You change boys like you change your drawls[4]."  And after hearing that phrase so many times, I deduced that I was supposed to stick to one boy at a time. That did not seem so bad, but being true to my Sagittarius nature caused me to get bored easily (we are nomadic people). To solve that problem, I stuck with one boy at a time, but for very short periods of time.  Again I was hit with disapproval from my mother.


[1] My best friend Heather and I went to Zoids every weekend to dance all night (until 11pm). I got my first hickey in this club. That is a whole different story.
[2] Arthur was my first real phone boyfriend. I was 13 and he was 16. It was so wonderful until we actually met. He thought I was unattractive and I thought he was unattractive. So that relationship was over before it started.
[3] Tommy was the second phone boyfriend, but his jheri curl was a turnoff when I met him. He omitted little detail from his physical description.
[4] Drawls is the southern pronunciation of the word drawers i.e. underwear


 
Shortly after my 13th birthday my mother remarried and I was happy to finally have some male insight. Up until then I had no point of reference, never determining if my dating actions were right or wrong.  My stepfather would said, "You never give guys a chance. You should give them an opportunity to mess up before you toss them aside." So this is more advice that I took to heart and tried to integrate into my dating repertoire.  

So when I went off to college, what I knew about dating was 1) that I need to stick to one guy at a time and 2) to stick with them until they mess up.  My first year of college, I was the sole Black girl in my dorm suite and I was trying to abide by my dating rules. I watched my white suite mates go out every weekend and bring home a new guy each time[1]. THOSE WHORES! Actually I didn’t think that about them, they looked like they were having a great time. I spent my first semester pining after blue eyed Craig[2], who eventually told me he just wanted to be friends. But I convinced myself I was being patient and taking on one guy at a time.  I liked a lot of guys in college[3], but I never let it be known because I always heard my mother's voice. So when most young girls were sowing their wild oats, I was behaving like an old maid.

I had spoken to my closest friends and they had all experienced the same phenomena. I saw some of them experience it in college with me. When I relocated to Atlanta, I decided that I


[1] I had the pleasure of walking in on my roommate while she was having sex with one of her hook ups. It was one of the most unpleasant moments of my college career.  I think I was temporarily blinded that night.
[2] Craig was the black, blued eyed, blonde boy that was my main interest my freshman year in college. I happened to still be a virgin and he really wanted to have sex. So, another one bites the dust.
[3] One of my closest guy friends in college gave me nickname. I was deemed “First Team All Madden”.  I knew about the Madden video game but was not sure if this name was good or bad. My friend explained to me that I had at least one guy in every position on the football team that was interested in me. And I liked them, all 22 or so of them.


 
could reinvent myself. No one knew me here and I could do what I wanted. So I started dating. Yes, more than-one-guy-for-a-short period-of-time dating. I don't remember all of their names or even what some of them looked like, but I met guys and had great adventures with them. There was no guilty momma voice, no obligations, no long extended tolerance of bad behaviors, just fun times had by all. I even made some good friends along the way[1].

Now in 2010, I am trying to single-handedly encourage all Black women to date.  I have two success stories[2] and I am diligently working on a third. The goal is for all single Black women to see as many men as possible. I don’t want woman to sleep with all the new men they meet, but experience a vast variety of men. It helps you make the correct selection when you decide to settle down. If you need some help, advice or suggestions, feel free to contact me[3]. Remember, I am the expert.


[1] Online dating garnered me two great male friends, Anthony and Jay. Anthony and I were great together but, he wanted to be great with other women also. Jay was a very cool guy, but there was no spark from the beginning so I hooked him up with Tangela. My attempt to play Chuck Woolery failed miserably.
[2] My best friend was coached into dating several men that she went out with for different events. At our last meeting, she was up to three different guys that she was juggling. Because I was the catalyst for her to change from a serial monogamist to a successful dater, she checks in with me like I am her sponsor i.e. Alcoholics Anonymous.  My other friend dated around and has now found a man to her liking.  I am hoping to con my third friend to committing to 30 dates in 30 days. Look for that one on my blog!

0 comments:

Post a Comment

 
;