Dating is a process of
elimination. You could look up the definition in Webster’s dictionary but that
would be too standard of an explanation for all that dating encompasses. A person encounters many different people
until they find someone to whom they are compatible. Hopefully, the feeling is
mutual and those people become a couple.
Dating is just that simple. But when you add emotions, personalities,
and an overwhelming ratio of women to men, dating then becomes
complicated.
In the summer of 2007, I started
a blog about dating. I was not so good
at dating but I was determined to get it right.
It was never difficult to gain male attention but after I had it what
was I to do. My friends[1] and I sat
around many a Saturday night drinking wine and discussing what was wrong with
our dating lives. We exchanged funny
stories and laughed at our misadventures.
And after I gave it some thought, it seemed logical to share my stories
with more than just my friends. The next
day, “Black Girls Don’t Date” was born.
In my young mind, dating was
easy. I have always subscribed to the
philosophy that if I liked a guy, he liked me, we would spend time together,
and thus we could date. Maybe it’s
because I started “dating” at an early age.
Even though I was a late bloomer (had my first kiss at 16), I had my
first “boyfriend”[2]
at the tender age of 9. I was a little
girl who never experienced the “icky boy” phase. So anytime that I liked a boy, I made sure
that he knew
[1]
Tangela, Tamika, Synitta and I are Moscato lovers and had no luck in the dating
arena. In an effort to maintain my friendship, I won’t tell their stories, but
I will disclose the horror that is my love life.
[2]
My first boyfriend was a neighborhood boy named “Heavy”. He was 13 years old when he approached me
about being his girlfriend. It was
supposed to be a secret, but I couldn’t hold water and I had to tell my
friends. He was the closest thing to LL
Cool J that Gracetown had seen.
that I liked him. My openness
about how I felt made it easier for guys to approach me, but it also allowed me
to get my feelings hurt more often too.
By the time I was 13 yrs old, I
was hitting the teen club[1] every
weekend and phone dating. Phone dating consisted of me monopolizing the phone
in my house to talk to some boy on the other side of town that I had never
met. Most of the time it was a little
brother of an older family friend[2] or the
buddy of my girl friend’s phone boyfriend[3]. I was enamored by their voices and knew that
I had this dating thing locked down.
Unfortunately, during my most
formative years (6-13 yrs old), there was no man in my household. And because I was a “fast ass” growing up, I
always sought out male attention. My mother taught me about being my own woman,
being strong, and independent, but never what to expect when I started dating. So I constantly had a new boy at school or in
the neighborhood that I was enamored with. My mother always said, "You change boys
like you change your drawls[4]." And after hearing that phrase so many times, I
deduced that I was supposed to stick to one boy at a time. That did not seem so
bad, but being true to my Sagittarius
nature caused me to get bored easily (we are nomadic people). To solve that
problem, I stuck with one boy at a time, but for very short periods of time. Again I was hit with disapproval from my
mother.
[1]
My best friend Heather and I went to Zoids every weekend to dance all night (until
11pm). I got my first hickey in this club. That is a whole different story.
[2]
Arthur was my first real phone boyfriend. I was 13 and he was 16. It was so
wonderful until we actually met. He thought I was unattractive and I thought he
was unattractive. So that relationship was over before it started.
[3]
Tommy was the second phone boyfriend, but his jheri curl was a turnoff when I
met him. He omitted little detail from his physical description.
[4]
Drawls is the southern pronunciation of the word drawers i.e. underwear
Shortly after my 13th
birthday my mother remarried and I was happy to finally have some male insight.
Up until then I had no point of reference, never determining if my dating actions
were right or wrong. My stepfather would
said, "You never give guys a chance. You should give them an opportunity
to mess up before you toss them aside." So this is more advice that I took
to heart and tried to integrate into my dating repertoire.
So when I went off to college,
what I knew about dating was 1) that I need to stick to one guy at a time and
2) to stick with them until they mess up.
My first year of college, I was the sole Black girl in my dorm suite and
I was trying to abide by my dating rules. I watched my white suite mates go out
every weekend and bring home a new guy each time[1]. THOSE
WHORES! Actually I didn’t think that about them, they looked like they were
having a great time. I spent my first semester pining after blue eyed Craig[2], who
eventually told me he just wanted to be friends. But I convinced myself I was being
patient and taking on one guy at a time.
I liked a lot of guys in college[3], but I
never let it be known because I always heard my mother's voice. So when most
young girls were sowing their wild oats, I was behaving like an old maid.
I had spoken to my closest
friends and they had all experienced the same phenomena. I saw some of them
experience it in college with me. When I relocated to Atlanta, I decided that I
[1]
I had the pleasure of walking in on my roommate while she was having sex with
one of her hook ups. It was one of the most unpleasant moments of my college
career. I think I was temporarily
blinded that night.
[2]
Craig was the black, blued eyed, blonde boy that was my main interest my
freshman year in college. I happened to still be a virgin and he really wanted
to have sex. So, another one bites the dust.
[3]
One of my closest guy friends in college gave me nickname. I was deemed “First
Team All Madden”. I knew about the
Madden video game but was not sure if this name was good or bad. My friend
explained to me that I had at least one guy in every position on the football
team that was interested in me. And I liked them, all 22 or so of them.
could reinvent myself. No one
knew me here and I could do what I wanted. So I started dating. Yes, more
than-one-guy-for-a-short period-of-time dating. I don't remember all of their
names or even what some of them looked like, but I met guys and had great
adventures with them. There was no guilty momma voice, no obligations, no long
extended tolerance of bad behaviors, just fun times had by all. I even made
some good friends along the way[1].
Now in 2010, I am trying to single-handedly encourage all Black women to date. I have two success stories[2] and I am diligently working on a third. The goal is for all single Black women to see as many men as possible. I don’t want woman to sleep with all the new men they meet, but experience a vast variety of men. It helps you make the correct selection when you decide to settle down. If you need some help, advice or suggestions, feel free to contact me[3]. Remember, I am the expert.
[1]
Online dating garnered me two great male friends, Anthony and Jay. Anthony and
I were great together but, he wanted to be great with other women also. Jay was
a very cool guy, but there was no spark from the beginning so I hooked him up
with Tangela. My attempt to play Chuck Woolery failed miserably.
[2]
My best friend was coached into dating several men that she went out with for
different events. At our last meeting, she was up to three different guys that
she was juggling. Because I was the catalyst for her to change from a serial
monogamist to a successful dater, she checks in with me like I am her sponsor
i.e. Alcoholics Anonymous. My other
friend dated around and has now found a man to her liking. I am hoping to con my third friend to
committing to 30 dates in 30 days. Look for that one on my blog!
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